It's a Jungle Out There

So I went to see The Dark Knight Rises with some coworkers Friday. And I'm pretty sure I met the man of my dreams.

Okay. So idk if he's the man of my dreams. But I'm PAINFULLY interested. And I think he was too. But unfortunately I was too chicken to make a move and ask for the number. Now idk if I'll ever see him again. I've got to figure out a way to remedy this. I haven't been so smitten with someone so fast in years.

The movie was pretty good but it was extremely long. I thought it was about to be over like twenty times. Movies like that drive me crazy.

I also worked again at AE yesterday. More like the wee hours of this morning. It's a hard job actually. But my boss said I did a good job and she wanted me back to work again. When she interviewed me she was very clear in telling me she didn't think I'd be good for the job. I don't like being told what I can't do, which just made me work even harder. I think I proved myself well enough.

That means today's my only day off. I'm just chillin' with some Monk on Netflix. My parents are cooking steaks later. Omnom.

*****
I don't understand how girls can just go from guy to guy to guy. I don't understand how someone can drop their feelings just like that, how they can be dating someone one day and then two days later be going after someone else. I don't understand it. It takes me a very long time to get over a guy and fall for another one. So, i guess, this is just something I can't understand. How feelings can be so fragile, how commitment can be so meaningless that there's really nothing invested. How, if someone wanted to just pack everything and head off somewhere else, to someone else, they could because everything they "had" was completely meaningless. How am I supposed to believe those feelings were real? How can someone try to tell me that it's the same as what I've felt, things that have taken me months to get over?

You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.

Some people say they'd rather have something than nothing. But the truth is, it's worse to have something halfway than to have nothing at all.

When your life falls apart, always remember that I will be the one who will stay to help you pick the pieces up. And when the rest of the world walks out on you, remember not to close the door, because I'll be walking in to help you through it all.

<< my fav water



You think you've gotten me all figured out, but sweetie, you don't even know half of what I'm about. So watch your words or hold your tongue. Messing with me won't be that fun.



It's a joke not a dick, don't take it so hard.

The best feeling comes when you find that you're perfectly happy without the people you thought you needed the most.

The things I understand most in life are the things I can't explain.

People make mistakes, that's life. Repeat the same mistakes, that's stupidity.

Can't lose what you never had, can't keep what's not yours, and can't hold onto something that does not want to stay.

Cinderalla; She believed in dreams, but she also believed in doing something about them. When prince charming didn't come along, she went over to the palace and got him.

No one has the right to judge you.
They might have heard your stories,
but they didn't feel what you were going through.

Sometimes you've got to change what's happening. You can't wait for people to do it for you, because they won't.

Have you ever been scared to open a text?
Your heart drops, your stomach feels empty,
and you just kind of stare at your phone for a while.

Don’t think too much.
You’ll just create a problem
that wasn’t even there in the first place.

I don't want him to be perfect. I want him to laugh at me, trip me, then help me
back up, pick me up and throw me in the pool, make me watch football for hours,
take me to the arcade and beat me at air hockey, and still let me be myself.

Let's play again, but this time I'll be player one and you can be player two. Now let
me show you all the shit you put me through.

Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're
really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I
fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok
though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my
disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color
boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different
colors of life, of feeling, of articulation. So when I meet someone who's an
8-color type, I'm like, "Hey girl, Magenta!" and she's like,
"Oh, you mean Purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm
like, "No, I want Magenta."

The chances of running into him when you look like shit are always higher.
  
  

Oh, Planet Porn

I worked on my first storyboard for a commercial today. It was very...stressful. But I really impressed my boss, and I was glad. Going to finish everything up tomorrow.

I'm so extremely tired though. I need sleep. On the bright side, it's already halfway through the week. Two more days to go and it's the weekend!

I'm not doing so hot at saving my money, btw. Need to work on that.

*****

I'm not wishing for an instant happily ever after. I'm just
hoping for real and sincere love that will make me believe
that somehow, after everything, forever still exists.

If you spend too long holding on to the one who treats you
like an option, you will miss finding someone who treats you like a priority.
 
The person who loves you the most will make you
feel valued, even when you least deserve it.
 
Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die tomorrow.
 
If the guy really loves the girl,
the only thing he wants to change is her last name.


 
A guy and his girl were standing in front of a mirror:
The girl asked, "What do you see?"
The guy smiled and said, "The rest of my life."
  

How Can I Say That I Need to Move On?

So I've got an assignment I'm nervous about tomorrow. I've got to make a storyboard, which should be easy enough except I'm not entirely clear as to whether I have to pick out the images and make up the text or not. Plus I have to do some other stuff that I know will cause some problems.

I was extremely tired today, I'm not sure why. Well, okay, I stayed up half an hour late last night, but that's really not enough reason. A half an hour is nothing.

Now that I'm designing websites I'm noticing little design tricks on all the sites I go to now. It's pretty interesting, actually.

Oh! My mom bought me M&Ms and I haven't eaten them yet! I must go nom now.

This Little Girl Is Capable of Murder

Okay. 50 Shades of Gray? More like 50 Shades of Fucking Sexy. I should have seen this coming. I liked being tied up and shoved in boxes as a game when I was a child for heaven's sake. Maybe this is why I always end up liking assholes. The problem is that even a girl who likes getting bossed around wants to get bossed around by a guy who genuinely loves her and wants to take care of her too. But that kind of guy is hard to find, so girls like us end up falling for assholes and realizing that the other half is missing.

One of these days I'll find a good man who also knows how to cater to that side of me. Without me having to ask, because really, that just ruins the point.

Also, just so everyone knows, I'm not saying all this stuff just because I like the book. That actually really gets on my nerves. Let's put it this way...it's the other way around. I'm reading the book BECAUSE I like this sort of thing. One of my favorite movies is Secretary, after all. So when I heard what the book was about I thought to myself, "Oh really? .....don't mind if I do!" However, the problem is that now I'm sufficiently in love with one fictional character and insanely jealous of another.

Meanwhile, today I went to my first day of work at American Eagle, my second job. And don't let anyone ever tell you setting up the floor at a retail store is easy. I think its harder, in a way, than my real full time job. I went home achy and exhausted.

I got paid for it though! Which is good, because every bit counts. And now I get a discount at the store.

<< LOOK AT DA TURTLE!!!

He's Your Fella And You Love Him

So I did a bit better on those ads today. So that's good. And I think tomorrow I'm going to go to the spa, if they take walk-ins for spa packages. Today was payday!

I can't wait to get out of this house. Just another month and a half to go.

I don't know if I even have much to say. I also may go to a birthday party tomorrow. There will be a hookah. I will smoke the hookah.

***

when i stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that i wouldn't have a single bit of talent left, and could say, i used everything you gave me.


My problem is that I push people away and then hate them for leaving. <<<not for me, but for someone I know. I can see them saying this.

Nobody wants to hear this, but sometimes the person you want the most, is the person that you are best without.

change because you want to, don't change because someone wants you to.

An empty wallet doesn't seem half bad when you're living your dreams.

Give 'Em Hell

I cannot stop eating these chips. Excuse me while I gain five pounds.

I'm having trouble on a project at work, and I'm stressing more than usual because it's for a very important client. Of course, Nic has got a good design if I can't get one out, but it's a huge ego blow, and I want to impress my boss. I have on my websites, so that's good. Still, everyone's making a big deal about how this is an important project and it can get us more projects in the future. So I really want to do well on it to show that I'm not just a bunch of dead weight, that I'm useful to the future of the company.

Ugh. Maybe tomorrow I'll do better. Every artist has blocks, right?

Meanwhile, we're babysitting my stepsister's kids, and they're probably the most well behaved kids, but that still doesn't mean I'm handling having to color with them and play with playdough with them after work when all I want to do is hole up in my room and watch Netflix.

Idk why, but my issue with alcohol is coming back. Not nearly as strongly, but still. I was doing well for a while. And now I'm like wanting to drink for no reason again. I don't get it. But at least I'm doing it in moderation. I know how to tell when to stop, and I don't give in.

I think mostly I just got sick of hangovers. They're hell.

Also, I just want to say that I had an epiphany. And that is that there's no guaranteed happy ending for everyone. I've spent my whole life believing that I'm going to meet the perfect guy and live happily every after with him. And there is still a part of me that does believe that, and will always, no matter what. But another part of me realizes, the logical part of me, realizes that not everyone gets their happy endings. I've seen it too many times. People who die alone, who spend their life living in trailers, or jumping from abusive man to abusive man. We're not guaranteed anything, and we all are trying to depend on others to give us our happiness. But the only one that's going to make us happy is ourselves. We have to take care of ourselves. Stop waiting for someone to treat you right or give you your happy ending. They may not. You have to do it yourself.

*****

If you can see a future for yourself without me that doesn't break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we were doing.

If you don't want me now, I don't want you later.

Whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say.

Sometimes you have those days where only your middle finger can answer things.

It's kind of complicated but I'll tell you this, the second you're willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy, that's love right there.

Life is a balance of holding on, letting go, and knowing when to do one of the two.

I just don't have enough middle fingers, to show you how I feel.

If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never get it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go.


Reality of fear: You’re not scared of the dark; you’re scared of what’s in it. You’re not afraid of heights; you’re afraid of falling. You’re not afraid of the people around you; you’re afraid of rejection. You’re not afraid to love; you’re just afraid of not being loved back. You’re not afraid to let go; you’re just afraid of accepting the fact it’s gone. You’re not afraid to let go; you’re afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.

We cannot change our memories, but we can change their meaning and the power they have over us.



Life is trial and error, every relationship is not meant to work, sometimes you're just meant to learn the lesson.

You can say sorry a million times, say I love you as much as you want. Say whatever you want, whenever, or however you want. But if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, don’t say anything at all. If you can’t show it, your words mean nothing.

We're afraid to care too much, because we fear that the other person doesn't care at all.

Three things you cannot recover in life: The moment after it’s missed, the word after it’s said, and the time after it’s wasted.

I'm Gonna Break Your Heart and Get Away With Murder

I used to be so worried I wouldn't be great at web design. But you know, I'm actually pretty good at it, at the very least for a beginner. Everyone at work says they're really impressed. And I sort of like web design, actually. Life is funny sometimes.

What's NOT funny is the fact that way too many songs have been ruined for me. And it really sucks to hear a song that was by "their" artist, that you loved and had no idea it was by that artist, and then realizing who it's by and feeling like a knife has come out of nowhere and stabbed straight through your chest. And then it sucks to have it stuck in your head all day after that and end up in a perpetual hell. And also, knowing now that song is ruined for you. Fucking abusive assholes. On what planet is anything he did appropriate?

Meanwhile, I'm dealing with the fact that ANOTHER guy I saw for a little while actually tried to commit suicide when I left him. Which is really really freaky considering we had never officially been together, and we'd only actually seen each other in person for a weekend.

Men are all evil, and if they're not evil, they're way too...idk. Intense?

But life isn't ENTIRELY terrible. I have Sprite, and I have gin, and they are NOT in two separate glasses.

<< daww, so cute.

Did You Forget That Love Was Dangerous?

Yet another EXCELLENT day. Had lunch at McAlister's with Nic and Johnny. Delish. Then got back and had time to do a cool Illustrator tutorial since I didn't have any timefoxes to work on. Came home, had stuffed bell peppers for supper, and cookies for dessert mmmhhmmm. Tomorrow I have work again, then I get Wednesday off. My mom is taking me and Tiffany to go gamble at the boats in Shreveport. Then next weekend we're going to the lake for a late fourth of July celebration. Even though we're going to the boats on the actual fourth of July, that's more for my birthday since my birthday is the 5th.

I am, however, weirded out by the fact that it's 8:40 and I'm tired.

And If You Take Him Back, I'm Gonna Lose My Nerve

It's amazing how much happiness you can achieve simply by LOSING someone. I wonder if he'd even recognize me now. Who I was then is completely different than who I am now. Total 180. I'm strong, happy, confident, and I don't take any bullshit, not one ounce. I'll never let someone treat me that way again. I don't know how it happened, but somehow I'm incredibly happy. Here, in Longview. My job is amazing, and I very suddenly have a social life.

Friday I went to the bar after work with two coworkers, and stayed for hours. The next day I got my new bank account! Friday was payday, and I've never had that much money in my hands at one time in my life. Also checked out some apartments, and I've got my eye on one. I had dinner at the country club with my company. We got a table at this event. George W. Bush's personal photographer from during his presidency gave a presentation of his photography, and it was really really great. Sort of a behind the scenes look at those 8 years. A lot of painful refreshers about 9/11 especially. Then just as I was leaving Tiffany texted me inviting me to Books-A-Million. Apparently she had randomly re-discovered an old friend, Garrett, and was hanging out with him. So we chilled there, then went to IHOP, then Wal*Mart. I was still dressed up from the dinner, and I had a great time, but walking around in those 5 inch spike heels did some damage on me. Around 6am this morning I had a killer charlie horse in my left leg.

Today was mostly relaxing. Chance brought over his baby Silas, and I got to see my nephew.

Aaannnd my mom just came in and gave me the rest of her Screwdriver. Suddenly my parents are also much more cool since she quit working for the church.

This is tasty.

I had some stress with my old Bank of America account, but thanks to my dad, it should all be over soon. Phew. I hated that bank. And Dad is also going to send me a lot of stuff in the mail. They're cleaning out their storage lockers and doing a lot of garage sales, but some stuff is just too important to sell and they don't have enough space for everything so I'll be getting a bunch of cool things. I would probably have gotten some of them anyway eventually, but now I'll probs get more than expected.