You're an Unrescuable Schitzo

Work is tiring, but still cool. Today we had a staff meeting with Pizza King. I got spaghetti, luckily, because I hate Pizza King pizza. I didn't even realize that's where they were ordering from until after the fact. Yeah. Lucky. I also had to tell the whole office more about myself, and I kept tripping over my words. Screw public speaking.

My website apparently is the best they've seen from a newbie so far, so I'm excited. Now I'm just pushing it and making it better and better with their help. I even managed to give some feedback to the other designer today and I saw he took my advice, which also made me feel good.

My stepdad David is making homemade fries tonight, one of my favorite things. I'm super excited. Also, a Panera Bread has finally opened in my town. Delicious.




"We all have big changes in our {l i v e s} that are more or less a second chance." Harrison Ford

"The future {b e l o n g s} to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt

I've Been Waiting My Whole Life for This One Night

This week has been crazy. Thursday was great. I went to dinner at a Thai restaurant with two of my coworkers. They're great! And the food was flippin' amazing. Little Thai House looks junky at first, then you realize you love it, that it has character, and the food is authentic and delicious.

Friday we went to dinner at the Honda dealership because I suppose the people there know the people at my office, and they had ordered some food buffet style and invited us. I talked more with the other graphic designer there, Nic, and found out we had a LOT in common. We're basically twins. We even have the same birthday. But he didn't like Harry Potter was the only thing. Then we were having issues with the computers because of some electricity flickers, and poor Stephanie got stuck in the elevator the second time in two days. Dean, our boss, called us out for a "meeting," but then just put a sign up on the elevator that said "Stephanie's Place." It was kinda sorta funny. It would suck tho, for real. I took the stairs when we got off work. And they were crazy! The stairs ran right into a door, you went through it, and they picked right back up again. It's like someone walked up a flight of stairs and decided to put a doorway directly in the middle of it. Then I went to a bar and grill, Leon's, with my stepdad of all things. While we were there we discovered he knew the band playing that night, so we went to the back and watched. He bought me drinks too, and I went home a bit tipsy. Even my mom showed up, and I was hanging out with the band and all their friends and family. It was so odd...

Then on Saturday I went to Defensive Driving. A lot of drama...one woman ended up crying because she called someone to complain to them for giving her insufficient information. Apparently he was rude to her and she made a huge deal about it. It baffles me how immature some people can be that are twice my age. "You can be sure I'm going to tell all my facebook friends about this!" Um....really, lady? But other than that it was actually kind of fun. It was more talking and eating than working. It was held at Ryan's buffet, and the lunch was included in the fee. THEN Dustin showed up in the middle of my nap once I got home to bring me some graduation gifts, a Harry Potter cookbook and a huge wall decal of Harry Potter. Yeah, he gets me. He stayed for a long time, so long that I didn't get my nap, and I had to go right to bed instead of staying up late like I wanted to. So I won't get a late night like I like this weekend. It's off to work tomorrow. But it was all a great time.





Rock bottom is a beautiful start, rise up to show the world your scars

with friendship; it doesn't matter
how long you've known each other,
or how many fights you got into.
what matters is who said
"i'll be here for you" and proved it.

Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to
someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe
without them

you're just so fucked up in the head, you cant be alone, you always
need someone, you lead them on, you make them think that you really
love them, you suck up all their emotions, then when something better
comes along, you leave them there on the floor, gasping for air.

People are going to disappoint you, I get that, I expect that. But what if one day you wake up and realize you're the disappointment

   



 

I am what I am,
and I know what I'm not

The first step towards getting somewhere,
is to decide that you are not staying where you are

"Have you ever been depressed for seriously no reason? You just don’t feel up for anything. You don’t want to see anyone or do anything. You just want to lie in bed and disappear and you have no reason why."

We stopped checking for monsters under our beds
because we realized they were inside us.


"I think I am broken.
It was stress, and maybe some drugs too. Definitely drugs.
I found a new group of....lets call them friends. I don't believe in people. I'll call them friends now, and even though I tell myself I have no expectations, I will be sad when they abandon me for something or someone new, a shinier star than myself. I will never know why they like me. I don't think I'm anything special. I always feel like a blank slate. Draw on me, I will stay quiet and absorb the ink, the drugs, the media you introduce me too. Perhaps, if I am lucky, I will have something to contribute that's worth a nod or laugh.
I am awake at five am. alone with my darkest secrets.
I like the drugs too much. They make my veins tingle with raw energy. They take my hunger away. They make me smile more.
I like you too much. Very much, too much. To admit to it would mean losing everything. friends, home, family, work, significant other, and you. And still, I fantasise about destroying myself on you. I don't think you feel the same. It's better that way.
I don't believe in together forever fairy tales. The word god holds no sway over my heart. What can I do? You forgave me twice, how long until you realize I'm a monster? I feel myself falling apart as I push boundaries of what is ok and what is not.
I can't stop smoking. You keep begging me. I must be heartless.
I am weak and have no will.
I am broken, and so is everyone else. How do we forgive each other? How do we forgive ourselves?"  ^^^ I don't see myself saying this, but I can see someone I used to know very, very well saying it to me.      


If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk, then crawl. Do whatever you have to do to keep moving forward

Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch

No love is the same, no love is identical. We all experience love in different ways. We all feel it in our hearts differently. We interpret love in so many ways that it's impossible to have one definition of love. All I know about love is it's an emotion. To me, love is a feeling that starts a riot in your heart until you want to scream. You want to show the world this love. You want to prove to everyone all that you are with love. To me, love changes people, not always for the better though. To me, love is special. We should cherish love. To me, love will never be fully explained   
 

Love is handing someone a gun and letting them point it at your head and believing that they won't pull the trigger
- Spongebob Squarepants 

There's No Time to Waste

So I've been at my job for two days now. I was a bit worried at first because I had to redo some logos on day one, but they were good on the second round and I feel like I pushed out some good logos today too. I do feel exhausted when I come home, which isn't too thrilling lol. But I feel professional and happy.

Since I've done nothing but work really, I don't have much else to say.

Oh. Well, except for that I'm really starting to realize I must have underestimated myself in high school. So far this year, five guys from my old high school have admitting to having a crush on me then. I really don't want to be braggy. I just think it's a really good confidence booster, and its nice to know I wasn't so horrid as I thought I was then. I think I've spent so much time liking men who didn't appreciate me I forgot that I'm actually not all that bad.

The Way You Walk and Talk Really Sets Me Off

So last night was really fun! Tiffany came over. We did some shopping at the mall first, then we went and bought ingredients to cook supper with. We made chili and cornbread, then later we made pastrami, cream cheese, and pickle wraps. And we watched Harry Potter Musical, and I'm glad she seemed to enjoy it.

I think that's definitely a requirement for whoever I end up with. They definitely need to be willing to cater to my little HP addiction. If you can't laugh at that play, then you really have no soul I think. I do miss that a lot about my ex. He genuinely enjoyed it and I liked making him laugh with my impressions. I also miss laughing about my mom with him.

But that doesn't make up for everything else. I just need to find someone who can give me that happiness without all the shit inbetween.

Because let's be honest. It was mostly shit. It was so shitty, in fact, that when I DO remember all the ways he made me laugh, it doesn't make me happy. It just makes me miserable. I smile for just a second, and then I remember why that all went to pot.

I'm still feeding a Hell's Kitchen addiction. But seriously, I'm going to vomit at all the times I've seen someone chop their finger into minced meat.

I start my job on Monday and I'm nervous. This is the beginning of my life. It seems stressful and it seems like it's going to include a lot less sleep and a lot more being awake.

*******

I wish I can delete you from my mind as easy as deleting some files on my computer.

 

Someone said to me: You’re too pretty to be single. I said: No, I’m too pretty to be lied to, cheated on, and played with.

<<< O.O

You can’t make the same mistake twice, the second time, it’s not a mistake, it’s a choice.

I could be asleep right now dreaming happy dreams, instead I’m awake wondering why things ended the way they did. I deserve better.

Shit happens. Just flush the toilet and move on.

 

<<true story.

“The suite life of Zack and Cody is the only place were there is a dumb asian and a smart blonde.”

“If a girl has a wall up it’s because it was built. Brick by brick, lie after lie, heartbreak after heartbreak.”

“A girl doesn’t need to tell you straight up how she feels. It’s written all over her behavior when you’re around.”

“Bad boys aint no good. Good boys aint no fun.”

“Friends knock on your door. Best friends walk into your house and start eating.”

I'm Not Gonna Live My Life on One Side of an Ampersand

Fun fact: If you type in pinteret instead of pinterest you'll get a social sex site! And there's a gif illustration of two birds humping each other. Special. O.o

Went to another estate sale today, and I really think I should have been born in another time because I bought like five aprons.

Aside from that and helping my mom clean out some closets, that was pretty much it for today. Oh, and I had Subway for supper.

My life is rivoting.
                
<<<except I am haha
 

    

One More Fucking Love Song, I'll Be Sick

So I got a call from American Eagle today and they're still probably wanting to hire me part time. I told them I have a full time job now but the manager said she would be fine with hiring me to work maybe a day a week or even just once or twice a month, and I'd still get a discount. My main boss says he's fine with it, so now it's looking like I may have two jobs. Which could get stressful, but I've got nothing else to do, and it will be a good way to meet people. Plus, it's extra money and I can get clothes for cheaper.

And I'm lucky, I suppose, because in this economy there are a lot of people struggling just to get ONE job. And now I'll probably have two.

I was running out of things to watch, but now I'm addicted to Hell's Kitchen on Hulu. Is it just me or is Gordon Ramsey weirdly hot? Despite the fact that he's uber ugly. And really, really mean.

....I've gotta stop liking assholes.

****
"Your poison && beauty all wrapped in one. your kiss is like {v e n o m} that leaves me numb--&& even after all the damage you've done, I need you more than ever love." <3

"I {b e l i e v e} every human has a finite number of heartbeats, && I do not intend to waste any of mine." Neil Armstrong

"You sort of start thinking anything's {p o s s i b l e} if you've got enough nerve." J.K. Rowling

"Love {y o u r s e l f} && everything else falls into line. You really do have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." Lucille Ball

"Sometimes you can't see yourself {c l e a r l y} until you see yourself through the eyes of others." Ellen DeGeneres

"My theory is that if you look {c o n f i d e n t} you can pull off anything--even if you have no clue what your doing." Jessica Alba

"Keep true to the {d r e a m s} of thy youth." Friedrich von Schiller

"I try to maintain a healthy dose of daydreaming to remain {s a n e}." Florence Welch

"To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with {S p r i n g}." George Santayana

"If {a d v e n t u r e s} will not befall a young lady in her own village, she must seek them abroad." Jane Austen

"I believe in ordinary acts of {b r a v e r y}, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another." Veronica Roth

"If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else." Booker T. Washington

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the {o v e r c o m i n g} of it." Helen Keller           

I Fink You Freeky

So yesterday I drove all the way to Lubbock with my mom to pick up the rest of my stuff from my apartment...and all the way back the same day. It. Was. Insane. And exhausting. But I'm glad we got it all done quickly.

Although, as if my lack of storage space wasn't bad enough before, it's awful now. What am I going to do with all my crap?

I did, however, successfully teach my mother the term "swampass," so...that's pretty cool.

You know, there are a lot of positive things that have come from this breakup. I don't feel any pressure to be something I'm not anymore. Better yet, I don't feel any pressure to be something I hate. I'm not pretentious and I'm not snooty and I don't give a crap if wearing clothes from Goodwill isn't classy, or if having a hedgehog isn't popular or "normal." Who gives two fucks about being normal?

One day, someone is going to look at me and realize that all of this weirdness is really actually pretty fun, and they're going to appreciate me for just how beautiful I really am.

It's taking a really long time to get over what I went through the past few years. It's been months. You'd think I'd be able to stop thinking about it or talking about it. But sometimes the memories of what he did to me just creep back into my mind and I can't get rid of them.  It's a torture. It's just like Chinese water torture.

I keep on thinking about the quote from John Coffee from The Green Mile. "It feels like pieces of glass in my head...Mostly it's the pain. There's too much. If I could end it, I would. But I can't."

I suppose you don't really get over things that bad that easily.

And yes. I think if there was a way to erase memories, like they did in Eternal Sunshine, I would do it. I'd get rid of it all. Because it cuts at me.

Some days I wonder if he ever checks up on me and reads this. Lord knows he'd be the only one...no one else reads this damn thing. In a weird way, that's okay. Because I know I'm not upsetting anyone I know, but I can feel like maybe at the same time a stranger will pass by and I'll have someone to listen to me. It's weirdly, oddly, and anonymously comforting. But yes, I wonder if he reads it, and if he'll ever get the level of agony he put me through, I mean really understand it. I wonder if he feels bad or if he misses me or wishes he hadn't ruined things. Wishes that maybe we could still go back to the way it was. But part of me knows he doesn't, because he never loved me the way I love him, and I'm learning to accept that. And I know deep down inside that even if he wanted to, he could never fix this. The damage is done, and it's irreparable. 

It's not so bad all the time though. It's just every once in a while that it all comes flooding back. Most days are alright and I don't think about it much or even at all. And the most important thing is the realization that I'm finally ready to be in love again. I'm ready to meet someone else, and I'm ready to open up to someone. I'm ready for that feeling again. The excitement. The passion.

I just have to meet someone.

But I'm healing. Not entirely. Maybe it will never all go away. Just like a scar on your body will always remind you of how you got it. But the wound is closing.

*****

When you’re around someone so much, for so long, they become a part of you. And when they change or go away, you don’t know who you are without them.




You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing.







Instead of beating me up, you should be giving me hope. Instead of bringing me down, you should be lifting me up. Instead of starting a fire, you should be heating things up. I'd never leave you there, screaming for my love.

Wherever your crash, wherever you land, that's where I'll be.

I dislike shallow girls. I dislike girls who look down on other girls when they walk past them and start laughing or point out their flaws. What? You think they're ugly? Don't know how to dress? They weigh more? How much meaner can you be? Just because you're skinnier, wear more makeup, wear better clothes, and get more attention from guys, does not make you better than them. Sure, you might look better, but I bet their personality is 10x sexier than yours. (<<< ahem, you know who you are, bitch)




Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you
are a good person is like expecting a bull not to
attack you because you're a Vegetarian