No one will forgive me for what I've done. There's no such thing as people who would give you a second chance. Except for me, apparently. But then again, that's why I got screwed. Forgiveness? Okay. Second chances? Well...where I am is my own damn fault.
I'm so sick of being angry, and I'm so sick of only being able to write about how sick I am of all of this.
How could he do this to me?
And now I have nothing. I've got shit.
Who could ever love a mess like me?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun
Please. Oh please oh please oh please, Dear God, let this guy be serious when he says he'll hit me up if he's in town. This guy is a stud-muffin wrapped in a blanket of sexiness and adorability. Must have.
Got another freelance job, CD cover. A wicked logo for the group in progress. It will be a challenge to me to design this though because they're looking for a style that I've never really done before.
Also designing a mock website for a fake shoe store, which is somewhat difficult but it's going better than most of the other stuff I've done so far. It's all about practice I suppose.
Song of the Day: Forever, by Chris Brown.
They played that song during Pam and Jim's wedding on The Office and now it's totally my dream to play that song at my wedding too.
Got another freelance job, CD cover. A wicked logo for the group in progress. It will be a challenge to me to design this though because they're looking for a style that I've never really done before.
Also designing a mock website for a fake shoe store, which is somewhat difficult but it's going better than most of the other stuff I've done so far. It's all about practice I suppose.
Song of the Day: Forever, by Chris Brown.
They played that song during Pam and Jim's wedding on The Office and now it's totally my dream to play that song at my wedding too.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
You Only Love In Red
Song of the Day: Colorblind, by the Dresden Dolls
I am so 100% sick of being this way. Of this horrible rut my life has fallen into. I'm pretty sure I've slept about 18 hours total today. Not because I was tired. But because I would rather be daydreaming and imagining and dreaming in sleep than face the dull and lonely world that is my reality. The fucked up, angry, bitter, enraged, and despairing, hopeless reality that I face.
I don't feel anything but rage for him anymore. Rage and hurt.
For the first time I feel like I might actually be ready to let go. Because I can't imagine ever being happy around him again.
But who will help me now? I'm so fucking lonely and I want someone to prove to me than not all men are pigs...or octopuses. It's like they have eight arms and they're everywhere but where they're supposed to be: to themselves. I have a brain. And eyes. And a face. Try to focus on that for five seconds, instead of what's below my belt. I'm so sick of it. Is there no one who is interested in actually getting to know me? Is there no one who wants to stick around even when they figure out I'm not giving it up that fast? Or if I did, they'd leave right after anyway.
I'm sick of not knowing if I'm going to make it. Sick of not being able to pull myself out of bed or away from my room to do what needs to get done. I want to heal. I want to succeed. But dammit, I hate this world and I hate having to go out in it. It drains me. I'd rather stay in bed. And that's just sad.
Skipped two classes today. Procrastinating on my homework, on cleaning my room, on applying for jobs. I know it needs to get done, that getting hired out of this fucking state and getting away from here is what I need, but I'm so, so tired. I want to run away. I want to get away from here. But how can I if I can't even bear to step out my door for more than a few hours at a time? Before I get tired and sad and bitter, and want to retreat to sleep again?
How could anyone do this to me? How could anyone be so cruel? But worse, how could I have let it go on for so long? He put me here, but I was the one that was stupid enough to stay. I could have run. I let go of a good man, a really good man, to take him back, and I miss that man now, so badly, because he actually seemed to give a shit about me. And now how could he ever trust me again? I lost a good thing. No, I LEFT a good thing. I regret it all. I want to go back. I want to be happy.
I am so 100% sick of being this way. Of this horrible rut my life has fallen into. I'm pretty sure I've slept about 18 hours total today. Not because I was tired. But because I would rather be daydreaming and imagining and dreaming in sleep than face the dull and lonely world that is my reality. The fucked up, angry, bitter, enraged, and despairing, hopeless reality that I face.
I don't feel anything but rage for him anymore. Rage and hurt.
For the first time I feel like I might actually be ready to let go. Because I can't imagine ever being happy around him again.
But who will help me now? I'm so fucking lonely and I want someone to prove to me than not all men are pigs...or octopuses. It's like they have eight arms and they're everywhere but where they're supposed to be: to themselves. I have a brain. And eyes. And a face. Try to focus on that for five seconds, instead of what's below my belt. I'm so sick of it. Is there no one who is interested in actually getting to know me? Is there no one who wants to stick around even when they figure out I'm not giving it up that fast? Or if I did, they'd leave right after anyway.
I'm sick of not knowing if I'm going to make it. Sick of not being able to pull myself out of bed or away from my room to do what needs to get done. I want to heal. I want to succeed. But dammit, I hate this world and I hate having to go out in it. It drains me. I'd rather stay in bed. And that's just sad.
Skipped two classes today. Procrastinating on my homework, on cleaning my room, on applying for jobs. I know it needs to get done, that getting hired out of this fucking state and getting away from here is what I need, but I'm so, so tired. I want to run away. I want to get away from here. But how can I if I can't even bear to step out my door for more than a few hours at a time? Before I get tired and sad and bitter, and want to retreat to sleep again?
How could anyone do this to me? How could anyone be so cruel? But worse, how could I have let it go on for so long? He put me here, but I was the one that was stupid enough to stay. I could have run. I let go of a good man, a really good man, to take him back, and I miss that man now, so badly, because he actually seemed to give a shit about me. And now how could he ever trust me again? I lost a good thing. No, I LEFT a good thing. I regret it all. I want to go back. I want to be happy.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
All You're Ever Gonna Be Is Mean
I have to rediscover myself. Not sure who I am right now. Or maybe rather I'm upset because I've lost myself. Gotta find me again.
Super obsessed with The Hunger Games. Pretty much finished the whole book in one day. I had read maybe 75 pages of it before, then I read the rest of it in one day. So addictive. Can't wait for the movie!
Slept in super late today. Been a bit depressed, but I'm doing better than I used to.
Not much to do today except study and watch TV. Gonna scrapbook a bit I think. Other than that...not much going on right now.
I DID just get back from NYC on Thursday night. It was epic. Maybe I'll update more about that later.
For now, song of the day: Cold Shoulder, by Adele
<< love these shoes!
<< so adorable!
<< just got back from here. WANT. TO GO. BACK!!!!
For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll realize it's always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how.
Super obsessed with The Hunger Games. Pretty much finished the whole book in one day. I had read maybe 75 pages of it before, then I read the rest of it in one day. So addictive. Can't wait for the movie!
Slept in super late today. Been a bit depressed, but I'm doing better than I used to.
Not much to do today except study and watch TV. Gonna scrapbook a bit I think. Other than that...not much going on right now.
I DID just get back from NYC on Thursday night. It was epic. Maybe I'll update more about that later.
For now, song of the day: Cold Shoulder, by Adele
<< love these shoes!<< so adorable!<< just got back from here. WANT. TO GO. BACK!!!!For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll realize it's always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how.
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