All the Games You Played, You Would Always Win

Angry. Again.

Why do you say one thing one month, and say another the next? Why do you expect me to be able to handle things that you yourself have said you can't? What's with this double standard?

Why is it that you come to me most when I pull away?

You make me afraid. You send me mixed signals, you confuse me.

You said "girlfriend" today. Why do you say that if it isn't so? And what makes you think you can say those words to me, and then.....hurt me the way you did? And then not understand when I get upset and confused?

I can't give you my heart if I'm afraid.

And I can't make you do what I want.

The only thing I can do is protect myself. And not even that makes me happy. It just makes the pain more tolerable.

I either lose you, or I live with you in confusion and hurt.

I Set Fire to the Rain

A little healthy advice: When you really, really want to post a rant and a rave on your blog, go ahead and type it up in the screen. Then take a good look a what you wrote. Then THINK ABOUT IT.  Nine times out of ten, you should probably delete it. But trust me, you'll feel at least a little better after typing it out. It helps you organize your thoughts. That way when or if you have an in-person confrontation, you can say what you want to say without turning yourself in circles trying to find the right words. That's the sort of thing that gets you in trouble.

All I can say right now is, I'm upset. But I could be a whole lot worse. My coping skills are so much better.

Partly due to the fact that I realize now that if people don't treat me the way I want to be treated, then I really don't have to be around them, now do I? If I'm hurt, I don't have to be with them. That's the solution. Trying to force them to change is the wrong road. I tried that road, and it led me nowhere. The right road is just to say...hey, this isn't right for me, so I'm not going to be around it.

Sometimes I get confused. I let other people affect what I believe too much. I believe that what happened was rude and inconsiderate. And I always let them change my mind. I'm always so afraid that I'm wrong, that maybe I'm doing something wrong, that I'm too closed-minded or something. Why? Why can't THEY be wrong? Just once. Just once.

I'm right this time. Not just because I want to be right, but because I truly believe that I am. And that's that.

Never One Without the Other, We Made a Pact

Shout out to Brandon, who likes to complain when I don't write about him. ;)

You know, I do spend a lot of time criticizing. Maybe this time, I want to write about why I care. It's the way you laugh. The way you make me laugh, and how we bicker and giggle together. It's the way, when it's just us having a good time, we melt into each other and things seem easy and warm. The way we connect in those moments. How we meld together. It's when you let your guard down and are honest about your fears and worries. It's when you become honest, put aside that cocky facade, and I truly see you as a man. The way you always come back. The way I can't let you go. The way we need each other, despite everything. The way we can't forget, and the way we don't want to. The way that, even when I'm fuming in rage, I'd rather fume with you than be without you to fall asleep alone. It's your voice. How sweet it is, and then how sexy. Then how rough. How it changes. How it comforts me. The way you make me blush. How the flush rushes to my cheeks. How my lips purse to fight that smile. It's the way I want you. The way you want me. That chemistry and how, in the moment, it just seems right.

It's everything that I don't want to be without.