Which probably isn't good, considering the fact that it basically shows that all I do is sleep anymore. And it is an escape. I'm entirely bored with my life right now and since I turned down that job I haven't gotten any other bites. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I'm terrified I made a bad choice. Everyone says it was a good choice and I'm glad I'm not working there but...I really need a job. I don't want to be living off of my parents anymore, and I'm bored to death in this town, in this house, with nothing to do. I'm lonely, everyone is getting married and having kids and moving into new apartments and houses and getting good jobs, and I'm still just stuck. It took me years to find someone I really cared about and wanted. Just how much longer am I going to have to wait to find that again? And when I do, will he just end up breaking my heart all over again?
Will I EVER find someone again anyway? Maybe I should just get used to being bored and alone. I'm not that great at making friends. I'm too shy and introverted, and a lot of activity stresses me...everyone in my major at college are such good friends, and they all hang out together. I hardly ever got invited anywhere with them. I don't know what I do wrong.
Hence, falling asleep and daydreaming or dreaming is an escape. Takes me out of this house and somewhere better. It's all entirely not real, but for a moment it at least feels like it is.
Though even in my dreams I'm constantly disappointed. I dreamed I moved to LA a few nights ago, still in high school. And I walked around the school entirely awkward, not knowing how to talk to anyone, and being snubbed when I did. I remember in the dream I passed these sort of goth kids at a table, and they wanted to know what was up. So I told them quite plainly that I was new and looking for a place to sit. And they looked at me, and told me that at that school they only let people sit with other people if they dressed and looked the same. Which upset me really badly, considering I'd apparently been rejected by the freaks of the school. And I couldn't sit with the stuck up bitches either cuz I wasn't exactly like them either. And my attitudes and clothing and styles are so all over the place, I wondered if I would fit ANYWHERE more than a day at a time. And of course there was the awkward ending up in public without pants on and the stall falling down while you're in the bathroom stuff. I know that that's a really immature dream, sort of Mean Girls-esque, but I think it stems from a lot of the rejection I've felt from people in that area. Being told I'm weird and too poor, etc etc. Don't wear the right clothes, not tan enough, don't show enough skin, too fat (even though I'm only 135 pounds), not enough of a party person. Plus I've been applying to jobs in that area and of course I'm not getting any calls back. I'm not experienced enough, and I'm pretty sure no one from a big city would even take a second glace at a girl from a tiny town in Texas.
In a dream last night, I dreamed that I could fly. And I wanted to prove that I could, but my cousins and sisters could too, and they got all of the attention. And then when I tried again, I couldn't really fly as well. Everyone sort of snubbed me. It felt really discouraging.
My dreams are so dumb...
At least when I say them out loud. When you're in the dream, it's really intense, you know. But when you wake up and say it out loud it sounds a lot dumber than it actually was. You've gotta trust me on that.
These past few years have been so psychologically damaging.
I don't trust anyone anymore. And now I'm watching the people I cared about move on because I was too stupid to appreciate them when I had them. I was too busy being desperate for a man that I don't think ever loved me the way I loved him. And the shame of it....my friends don't believe he even liked me. They think I was just fun for him...that he just wanted someone to control. And my parents believe that I was a toy, too. That he was just messing with me the whole time, and that he never even intended to come see me. It gives me a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I've been shamed, embarrassed. And I have no defense. And perhaps what hurts worse is his friends, the ones that told me that I was being used, and that he would leave when he was done with me. That I was nothing more than an annoying fly that wouldn't leave. And in the end, that's exactly what it looks like. They were right all along, and now I can only imagine how smug they must feel.
"Yeah. The stupid girl from Texas wasn't good enough, just like I thought. I knew it."
And of course, I look like the bad guy. I looked crazy, obsessive, and on the rare occassions when they did see him cry because of me they would get upset and defensive, but...do they even know what he did to me? Would they still see him the same if they knew what he'd done? But they don't. And so I have to bear this burden alone, take all the blame on that side and all the shame on this one.
It is shameful. DJ is gone. Even Jordan has a great girlfriend, and what do I have? I was dumped, just like everyone said I would be.
I'm only just now starting to understand that I must have never meant that much to him. Not as much as he meant to me. Everyone was right, and I was a fool. And now I'm just....embarrassed. And hurt. Really, really hurt.
I want everyone to know. I want them to know what happened. I was a good woman. I treated him well as best as I could and when I didn't it was because I was too broken and I was looking for something to make me feel like I was worth something. I loved him despite all of the shit and I was only mistreated and hated. I'm a good woman. I'm a good person. What did I do to deserve this?
I should have left a long time ago, and spared myself all of this. I should have been the one to break it off. At least then I'd at least have my pride.
Now I'm stuck in Longview, which, by the way, he promised me he would take me away from here one day....Stuck in Longview with no job and no boyfriend. And everyone else is moving on and happy.
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