Although, as if my lack of storage space wasn't bad enough before, it's awful now. What am I going to do with all my crap?
I did, however, successfully teach my mother the term "swampass," so...that's pretty cool.
You know, there are a lot of positive things that have come from this breakup. I don't feel any pressure to be something I'm not anymore. Better yet, I don't feel any pressure to be something I hate. I'm not pretentious and I'm not snooty and I don't give a crap if wearing clothes from Goodwill isn't classy, or if having a hedgehog isn't popular or "normal." Who gives two fucks about being normal?
One day, someone is going to look at me and realize that all of this weirdness is really actually pretty fun, and they're going to appreciate me for just how beautiful I really am.
It's taking a really long time to get over what I went through the past few years. It's been months. You'd think I'd be able to stop thinking about it or talking about it. But sometimes the memories of what he did to me just creep back into my mind and I can't get rid of them. It's a torture. It's just like Chinese water torture.
I keep on thinking about the quote from John Coffee from The Green Mile. "It feels like pieces of glass in my head...Mostly it's the pain. There's too much. If I could end it, I would. But I can't."
I suppose you don't really get over things that bad that easily.
And yes. I think if there was a way to erase memories, like they did in Eternal Sunshine, I would do it. I'd get rid of it all. Because it cuts at me.
Some days I wonder if he ever checks up on me and reads this. Lord knows he'd be the only one...no one else reads this damn thing. In a weird way, that's okay. Because I know I'm not upsetting anyone I know, but I can feel like maybe at the same time a stranger will pass by and I'll have someone to listen to me. It's weirdly, oddly, and anonymously comforting. But yes, I wonder if he reads it, and if he'll ever get the level of agony he put me through, I mean really understand it. I wonder if he feels bad or if he misses me or wishes he hadn't ruined things. Wishes that maybe we could still go back to the way it was. But part of me knows he doesn't, because he never loved me the way I love him, and I'm learning to accept that. And I know deep down inside that even if he wanted to, he could never fix this. The damage is done, and it's irreparable.
It's not so bad all the time though. It's just every once in a while that it all comes flooding back. Most days are alright and I don't think about it much or even at all. And the most important thing is the realization that I'm finally ready to be in love again. I'm ready to meet someone else, and I'm ready to open up to someone. I'm ready for that feeling again. The excitement. The passion.
I just have to meet someone.
But I'm healing. Not entirely. Maybe it will never all go away. Just like a scar on your body will always remind you of how you got it. But the wound is closing.
*****
When you’re around someone so much, for so long, they become a part of you. And when they change or go away, you don’t know who you are without them.
You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing.
Instead of beating me up, you should be giving me hope. Instead of bringing me down, you should be lifting me up. Instead of starting a fire, you should be heating things up. I'd never leave you there, screaming for my love.
Wherever your crash, wherever you land, that's where I'll be.
I dislike shallow girls. I dislike girls who look down on other girls when they walk past them and start laughing or point out their flaws. What? You think they're ugly? Don't know how to dress? They weigh more? How much meaner can you be? Just because you're skinnier, wear more makeup, wear better clothes, and get more attention from guys, does not make you better than them. Sure, you might look better, but I bet their personality is 10x sexier than yours. (<<< ahem, you know who you are, bitch)
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you
are a good person is like expecting a bull not to
attack you because you're a Vegetarian
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