She Ran Away In Her Sleep and Dreamed of Paradise

That song Paradise by Coldplay is totally my new theme song.

Which probably isn't good, considering the fact that it basically shows that all I do is sleep anymore. And it is an escape. I'm entirely bored with my life right now and since I turned down that job I haven't gotten any other bites. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I'm terrified I made a bad choice. Everyone says it was a good choice and I'm glad I'm not working there but...I really need a job. I don't want to be living off of my parents anymore, and I'm bored to death in this town, in this house, with nothing to do. I'm lonely, everyone is getting married and having kids and moving into new apartments and houses and getting good jobs, and I'm still just stuck. It took me years to find someone I really cared about and wanted. Just how much longer am I going to have to wait to find that again? And when I do, will he just end up breaking my heart all over again?

Will I EVER find someone again anyway? Maybe I should just get used to being bored and alone. I'm not that great at making friends. I'm too shy and introverted, and a lot of activity stresses me...everyone in my major at college are such good friends, and they all hang out together. I hardly ever got invited anywhere with them. I don't know what I do wrong.

Hence, falling asleep and daydreaming or dreaming is an escape. Takes me out of this house and somewhere better. It's all entirely not real, but for a moment it at least feels like it is.


Though even in my dreams I'm constantly disappointed. I dreamed I moved to LA a few nights ago, still in high school. And I walked around the school entirely awkward, not knowing how to talk to anyone, and being snubbed when I did. I remember in the dream I passed these sort of goth kids at a table, and they wanted to know what was up. So I told them quite plainly that I was new and looking for a place to sit. And they looked at me, and told me that at that school they only let people sit with other people if they dressed and looked the same. Which upset me really badly, considering I'd apparently been rejected by the freaks of the school. And I couldn't sit with the stuck up bitches either cuz I wasn't exactly like them either. And my attitudes and clothing and styles are so all over the place, I wondered if I would fit ANYWHERE more than a day at a time. And of course there was the awkward ending up in public without pants on and the stall falling down while you're in the bathroom stuff. I know that that's a really immature dream, sort of Mean Girls-esque, but I think it stems from a lot of the rejection I've felt from people in that area. Being told I'm weird and too poor, etc etc. Don't wear the right clothes, not tan enough, don't show enough skin, too fat (even though I'm only 135 pounds), not enough of a party person. Plus I've been applying to jobs in that area and of course I'm not getting any calls back. I'm not experienced enough, and I'm pretty sure no one from a big city would even take a second glace at a girl from a tiny town in Texas.

In a dream last night, I dreamed that I could fly. And I wanted to prove that I could, but my cousins and sisters could too, and they got all of the attention. And then when I tried again, I couldn't really fly as well. Everyone sort of snubbed me. It felt really discouraging.

My dreams are so dumb...
At least when I say them out loud. When you're in the dream, it's really intense, you know. But when you wake up and say it out loud it sounds a lot dumber than it actually was. You've gotta trust me on that.

These past few years have been so psychologically damaging.

 I don't trust anyone anymore. And now I'm watching the people I cared about move on because I was too stupid to appreciate them when I had them. I was too busy being desperate for a man that I don't think ever loved me the way I loved him. And the shame of it....my friends don't believe he even liked me. They think I was just fun for him...that he just wanted someone to control. And my parents believe that I was a toy, too. That he was just messing with me the whole time, and that he never even intended to come see me. It gives me a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I've been shamed, embarrassed. And I have no defense. And perhaps what hurts worse is his friends, the ones that told me that I was being used, and that he would leave when he was done with me. That I was nothing more than an annoying fly that wouldn't leave. And in the end, that's exactly what it looks like. They were right all along, and now I can only imagine how smug they must feel.

"Yeah. The stupid girl from Texas wasn't good enough, just like I thought. I knew it."

And of course, I look like the bad guy. I looked crazy, obsessive, and on the rare occassions when they did see him cry because of me they would get upset and defensive, but...do they even know what he did to me? Would they still see him the same if they knew what he'd done? But they don't. And so I have to bear this burden alone, take all the blame on that side and all the shame on this one. 

It is shameful. DJ is gone. Even Jordan has a great girlfriend, and what do I have? I was dumped, just like everyone said I would be.

I'm only just now starting to understand that I must have never meant that much to him. Not as much as he meant to me. Everyone was right, and I was a fool. And now I'm just....embarrassed. And hurt. Really, really hurt.

I want everyone to know. I want them to know what happened. I was a good woman. I treated him well as best as I could and when I didn't it was because I was too broken and I was looking for something to make me feel like I was worth something. I loved him despite all of the shit and I was only mistreated and hated. I'm a good woman. I'm a good person. What did I do to deserve this?

I should have left a long time ago, and spared myself all of this. I should have been the one to break it off. At least then I'd at least have my pride.

Now I'm stuck in Longview, which, by the way, he promised me he would take me away from here one day....Stuck in Longview with no job and no boyfriend. And everyone else is moving on and happy.

But Still You're In My Way

Look. I'm just trying to forget you. Please just let me forget you.

*****

Took up a freelance job today. Hopefully I did well enough to impress my potential employer. I always stress when I get a new project even though I've been doing this for years.

My back is aching. It's also time that I should get to sleep but I'm not tired. I slept too much yesterday. I know why I did it. It's so easy for me to lie in bed and daydream. Takes me away from the monotony and loneliness that is my life right now.

I need a massage.

And what's worse, I don't think he can ever imagine the damage he's caused. I can't even look at a picture of a girl in a skinny tan girl in a short party dress without thinking about how that's what he wanted and that's what I'm not.

<<looks like me and heather.

Life Is a Day That Doesn't Last For Long

Hey-o!

So I turned down my first ever job offer, and it was very stressful indeed. But I now have a freelance project, which if I do well enough may lead to employment. So wish me luck! I'll be getting the information and files tomorrow.

I will also begin applying for part-time jobs tomorrow to tide me over until I get a job in my field. I'll also be dealing with some banking transfers and deposits, and some other things.

I need to find a time to drive back up to Lubbock and pick up the rest of my things. I'm hoping that I start earning enough money to save up for an apartment and get a job so I know where I'm going to live soon, because I definitely am ready to move out of my parent's house. It's not so bad I suppose, but I hate living out of boxes and having to answer to other people. If I want to sleep in until three on Saturday I'd like to do so without being reminded "Hey...it's almost three just so you know..." Yes. I know. I like it that way.

<<I think sometimes people think this even though it usually isn't true because it makes them feel better.
<<Eternal Sunshine
<<only true sometimes.

<<my life right now.








 

<<when you see my face hope it gives you hell :p


   
"It's Thanksgiving. Some people bake pies....we bake ourselves." - Kelso, That 70's Show

Had My Heart On Lockdown

For all of you intrigued by the story of the current "zombie" attack: Let's all take note that while we all have some sort of odd obsession with a zombie apocalypse, it isn't exactly polite to make comments about how entertaining this situation is. Someone's face is permanently mutilated. This isn't funny. And nor would a zombie apocalypse be fun when you came down to it. I'm pretty sure no one wants to be eaten alive, or watch their friends die in front of them. It's also extremely unrealistic. However, let's hope that the victim is not infected with any other sort of disease. Zombies may not be real, but insanity, rage, and a crazed desire to attack are. 

On another note, my netflix account is almost canceled. Too much money for my broke little butt to pay for it. So I guess I'm going to have to turn myself to running repeats of my already owned DVDs, and hope something good is on tv. Le sigh.

On another other note, the movie Cruel Intentions made me cry. Not lying here.

On ANOTHER other other note, I just turned down my first job offer. And I feel panicky. And also GUILTY. I said I wanted to work there. Then I saw the contract. And I was like woah...maybe not. So after a weekend of negotiating and having a company bend over backwards for me, my family still all recommended I not take the job, and I was inclined to agree. So I declined. But I feel guilty about it. I'm not cut out for this business world. I'm way too nice to be....a negotiator. I never could get extremely good deals at outdoor barter markets...although interestingly enough, people usually gave in once I showed I was walking away. Even still, I just don't feel that this is the job for me. Gut feelings aren't always right. I was sure for a long time that the job was the right one. And now it's all changed. I don't know where I'm going to be in two months or two years or when I die and that frightens me. Is it so much to ask for my dreams to come true?

New York, New York and a shmexy husband. That's all I ask. Oh, and a cool house/apt and kids. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?? Oh, and enough money to travel. IISZZZ DIS TOO MUCH TEW ASSSKKK????

I'm Holding On By Letting Go Of You

So. My own life is finally beginning. And....I have no idea what I'm doing.

There's not much to do at my house, and I'm really looking forward to when I save up enough money to get my own place. Maybe I can occupy myself with unpacking and organizing and decorating for a while then.

And then I can look forward to saving up for a pet.

And of course I'm continually hoping to meet Mr. Right. If there are any real, good looking, funny, and smart gentlemen left out there, feel free to give me a call. Sorta tired of sitting in my bedroom alone. Of course, I have my friends. But there's just something different about having a special someone.




If kisses were the water I would give you the sea, if hugs were the leaves
I would give you a tree, but if love was time, I would give you eternity.

Don't call yourself a man when you have no qualities of one.


Don’t stress over what could’ve been, chances are if it should’ve been, it would’ve been.

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.


You should have two Facebook accounts. One for each face.


It’s called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get you face in the picture too.


Facebook should have a button that says “in a flirtationship”
because it seems like thats all there ever is anymore.


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Never make a promise you can’t keep.
You can tell a lot about a man by the promises he keeps & breaks.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.


The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on
well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

That awkward moment when the garbage goes out more than you.

The awkward moment when you try to search for someone’s name and
instead end up setting their name as your Facebook status.

I don’t care if you think you have ‘swag’. Just pull up your pants and walk faster.





Love is stronger than the pressure to be perfect.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

A Reminder of What I'll Never Have

Thoughts on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

I guess old Kimberlin would have found hope in it. I mean I liked the movie, as a movie. But it was all total bullshit. Not just the erasing memories part even. But the part about people...deciding they WANT to keep their memories after all. And at the end when they decide to give it another shot even though they both know they'll end up hating each other again. It's all shit. If you were hurt bad enough, like I was, there is no way in hell you'd want those memories. Or at least part of me thinks that. I may have changed my mind as I was writing lol. I guess I can see it. No matter how hurt I am by him I don't know if I could ever volunteer to forget him. But at the same time I do believe even your happiest moments with someone...those memories can be tainted with pain. Because once that person hurts you so bad, you can't think of the good times anymore without wanting to cut your own heart out because you know you lost it, and because you know the same person that once made you that happy eventually killed you inside. You watch your love, your relationship, degrade. The person that made you happy starts to abuse you. In unthinkable ways. It's horrible.

I remember looking back on old, old facebook posts from him from when we were together, for example. And I remembered how happy I was then, how incandescently happy I was. It was the happiest time of my life. But even though I knew that that's how I felt then, I couldn't reminisce happily on those memories. Instead I stared at his messages, especially the one that just said "I love you" and "I wuv you" and "I want you" over and over and over repeated just to take up space on my facebook wall...instead I stared at them and thought to myself..."What happened? How did it end up the way it did? Why can't we just go back? It's bullshit. It never meant anything in the end. What was the point? It was all a waste."

Those memories are ruined for me. I can't even think back to those times without wanting to cry because all they are now are a reminder of what I'll never have again.

Ha. A quote from my favorite song from high school. "And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have." It's funny. Ironic really. That was the first song I sang to him. The night he fell in love with my voice.

And I'm just now truly understanding what that quote means.

I Have Died Every Day Waiting For You

I'm finally starting to feel the way that I did back in high school before I got my first boyfriend. (Yeah. I was all the way in high school when that happened.) Except I don't feel as much depression from it. I'm lonely, but it's not as horrible. It's not all the same, I mean. Some is. Other things about me are so much different. I used to cry myself to sleep a lot over people I barely even knew, because I was so desperate for love that I would LOOK for people to like when I didn't have anyone close to crush on. But not it's not so bad that I want to force or imagine love where there isn't. And I certainly am not going to spend my nights daydreaming about men I want but that don't want me. I used to do that, too. Which is why I cried so much, I suspect. I used to...not really WANT or ENJOY being miserable...but when I felt pain I didn't run from it. As a matter of fact, I readily allowed it to consume me, and I didn't shy away from it. Now I don't...I just don't want to feel that anymore.

A lot is the same though. I'm the type of person that will always want to be in love, and that won't ever change. I'm waiting for it now, and hoping. But not rushing. I'm not rushing, not anymore.

I'm not searching for people to chat with online every night. I'm content to just sit in my thoughts. I'm not drinking as much.

I will say, though, I just watched the episode of FRIENDS where Rachel has her baby, and I totally almost cried. And then I put in Breaking Dawn because I want to watch a wedding and a honeymoon, no matter how awfully acted they are, and I want to watch a happy couple have a baby, even if it does almost suck the life out of the mom. I'm so ready to be in that place. Well, I mean I know it doesn't just fall in your lap. Falling in love and getting to that place takes time. But I do know that I'm ready to start the journey, let's say. But only, ONLY when I find the right guy. Which translated means, I'm ready to find the right guy. But I will not FORCE myself and TRY to find him like it's the end of the world. So yeah, um...so basically I'm just gonna chill and be really happy when it happens.

On another note, we all know that nearly ALL of my posts are about men. My dad mentioned to me a week or two ago that he thought it was his fault that I'm like this. That because he wasn't around I'm trying to fill some sort of hole or gap in my life. I guess I'll leave it up to you to decide what you think on the matter, cuz I have no idea.

I do wonder sometimes though. What is it with my obsession with being in a relationship? Why do I want it so freaking bad? I mean everyone does, but I know so many girls who LIKE being single and aren't READY for a commitment, and I'm just like...oh...I was ready for that since I came out of the womb....

Now, excuse me while I go weep at the sight of two horribly mediocre actors simulating passion.