I'm finally starting to feel the way that I did back in high school before I got my first boyfriend. (Yeah. I was all the way in high school when that happened.) Except I don't feel as much depression from it. I'm lonely, but it's not as horrible. It's not all the same, I mean. Some is. Other things about me are so much different. I used to cry myself to sleep a lot over people I barely even knew, because I was so desperate for love that I would LOOK for people to like when I didn't have anyone close to crush on. But not it's not so bad that I want to force or imagine love where there isn't. And I certainly am not going to spend my nights daydreaming about men I want but that don't want me. I used to do that, too. Which is why I cried so much, I suspect. I used to...not really WANT or ENJOY being miserable...but when I felt pain I didn't run from it. As a matter of fact, I readily allowed it to consume me, and I didn't shy away from it. Now I don't...I just don't want to feel that anymore.
A lot is the same though. I'm the type of person that will always want to be in love, and that won't ever change. I'm waiting for it now, and hoping. But not rushing. I'm not rushing, not anymore.
I'm not searching for people to chat with online every night. I'm content to just sit in my thoughts. I'm not drinking as much.
I will say, though, I just watched the episode of FRIENDS where Rachel has her baby, and I totally almost cried. And then I put in Breaking Dawn because I want to watch a wedding and a honeymoon, no matter how awfully acted they are, and I want to watch a happy couple have a baby, even if it does almost suck the life out of the mom. I'm so ready to be in that place. Well, I mean I know it doesn't just fall in your lap. Falling in love and getting to that place takes time. But I do know that I'm ready to start the journey, let's say. But only, ONLY when I find the right guy. Which translated means, I'm ready to find the right guy. But I will not FORCE myself and TRY to find him like it's the end of the world. So yeah, um...so basically I'm just gonna chill and be really happy when it happens.
On another note, we all know that nearly ALL of my posts are about men. My dad mentioned to me a week or two ago that he thought it was his fault that I'm like this. That because he wasn't around I'm trying to fill some sort of hole or gap in my life. I guess I'll leave it up to you to decide what you think on the matter, cuz I have no idea.
I do wonder sometimes though. What is it with my obsession with being in a relationship? Why do I want it so freaking bad? I mean everyone does, but I know so many girls who LIKE being single and aren't READY for a commitment, and I'm just like...oh...I was ready for that since I came out of the womb....
Now, excuse me while I go weep at the sight of two horribly mediocre actors simulating passion.
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