A Reminder of What I'll Never Have

Thoughts on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

I guess old Kimberlin would have found hope in it. I mean I liked the movie, as a movie. But it was all total bullshit. Not just the erasing memories part even. But the part about people...deciding they WANT to keep their memories after all. And at the end when they decide to give it another shot even though they both know they'll end up hating each other again. It's all shit. If you were hurt bad enough, like I was, there is no way in hell you'd want those memories. Or at least part of me thinks that. I may have changed my mind as I was writing lol. I guess I can see it. No matter how hurt I am by him I don't know if I could ever volunteer to forget him. But at the same time I do believe even your happiest moments with someone...those memories can be tainted with pain. Because once that person hurts you so bad, you can't think of the good times anymore without wanting to cut your own heart out because you know you lost it, and because you know the same person that once made you that happy eventually killed you inside. You watch your love, your relationship, degrade. The person that made you happy starts to abuse you. In unthinkable ways. It's horrible.

I remember looking back on old, old facebook posts from him from when we were together, for example. And I remembered how happy I was then, how incandescently happy I was. It was the happiest time of my life. But even though I knew that that's how I felt then, I couldn't reminisce happily on those memories. Instead I stared at his messages, especially the one that just said "I love you" and "I wuv you" and "I want you" over and over and over repeated just to take up space on my facebook wall...instead I stared at them and thought to myself..."What happened? How did it end up the way it did? Why can't we just go back? It's bullshit. It never meant anything in the end. What was the point? It was all a waste."

Those memories are ruined for me. I can't even think back to those times without wanting to cry because all they are now are a reminder of what I'll never have again.

Ha. A quote from my favorite song from high school. "And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have." It's funny. Ironic really. That was the first song I sang to him. The night he fell in love with my voice.

And I'm just now truly understanding what that quote means.