I am so 100% sick of being this way. Of this horrible rut my life has fallen into. I'm pretty sure I've slept about 18 hours total today. Not because I was tired. But because I would rather be daydreaming and imagining and dreaming in sleep than face the dull and lonely world that is my reality. The fucked up, angry, bitter, enraged, and despairing, hopeless reality that I face.
I don't feel anything but rage for him anymore. Rage and hurt.
For the first time I feel like I might actually be ready to let go. Because I can't imagine ever being happy around him again.
But who will help me now? I'm so fucking lonely and I want someone to prove to me than not all men are pigs...or octopuses. It's like they have eight arms and they're everywhere but where they're supposed to be: to themselves. I have a brain. And eyes. And a face. Try to focus on that for five seconds, instead of what's below my belt. I'm so sick of it. Is there no one who is interested in actually getting to know me? Is there no one who wants to stick around even when they figure out I'm not giving it up that fast? Or if I did, they'd leave right after anyway.
I'm sick of not knowing if I'm going to make it. Sick of not being able to pull myself out of bed or away from my room to do what needs to get done. I want to heal. I want to succeed. But dammit, I hate this world and I hate having to go out in it. It drains me. I'd rather stay in bed. And that's just sad.
Skipped two classes today. Procrastinating on my homework, on cleaning my room, on applying for jobs. I know it needs to get done, that getting hired out of this fucking state and getting away from here is what I need, but I'm so, so tired. I want to run away. I want to get away from here. But how can I if I can't even bear to step out my door for more than a few hours at a time? Before I get tired and sad and bitter, and want to retreat to sleep again?
How could anyone do this to me? How could anyone be so cruel? But worse, how could I have let it go on for so long? He put me here, but I was the one that was stupid enough to stay. I could have run. I let go of a good man, a really good man, to take him back, and I miss that man now, so badly, because he actually seemed to give a shit about me. And now how could he ever trust me again? I lost a good thing. No, I LEFT a good thing. I regret it all. I want to go back. I want to be happy.
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